Monthly Archives: October 2011
Many a manager has at some point in their career struggled to cope with the stresses and strains of coping with life at the pinnacle of the fantasy football managers career in the toughest fantasy league in the world.
Some have the odd sulk, some like to rant on Twitter, most of us like to have a drink or two to help us manage those soaring stress levels.
However recent reports which reached the newsroom this week suggested that there are concerns in some quarters of the general state of mind of the Wii Unfit Manager – Stuart Gilbert.
Stuart is of course new to the league and although his side have had a stop/start kind of beginning to life in BeerandBoobs ® his side have by no means given any signs that they are going to struggle too much this year indeed they have been relatively competitive thus far.
Gilbert on the other hand seems to be worried that he has the ability to cope. This week our intrepid photographer snapped the unwitting Gilbert in his office having just ordered his lunch from the canteen. He can be seen half way through a MAMMOTH buffet for 12, quite alone and unprepared to share it with anyone. Our Photographer stayed on scene and can confirm almost nothing was left at the end apart from the bowl of fruit which we think is plastic and merely for show.
An inside source close to the club told us:
“Mr Gilbert is a mess. He has ballooned to nearly 17 stone since he started managing the team. He orders huge breakfasts and lunches whilst here at the training ground and sits alone in his office with the doors locked until he has eaten the lot!!!”
After three hours of stuffing his face club officials barged the door down to find him in a heap on the floor covered in crumbs and egg mayonnaise mumbling incoherently.
Many wondered about Gilbert’s mental frailties after declaring on the teams pre season tour, after he had downed numerous jagerbombs, that the best blow job he had ever had was when he was working the door on a Gay club in Blackpool – make of that what you will but it did not particularly win him much respect from his team. This latest headline will not do much by way of changing that.
We understand from club officials that the wider seat recently installed in the dugout was a pure coincidence rather than it being linked to the managers expanding arse and that the twelve month membership to the Flamingo Club recently found amongst the rubbish at the back of the stadium in Gilberts name was in fact a malicious practical joke.
We will of course keep abreast of the situation with Gilbert’s health in relation to his eating disorder and report back should there be any developments.
It hasn’t been the easiest of starts to the season for many of the league’s teams. There are some teams which are currently punching above their weight (Coops Troops, Real SociableDad, Italian Job, Phatties) and some that have been surprisingly underwhelming so far (the ArgoDwarves, Dyslexic Untied and the Dragons) Then there are those that have simply done something completely unexpected and done so well in relation to what was expected of them.
I am of course talking about BareAssAlona.
BareAssAlona are the perennial underachievers of the competition. No one ever expects them to win anything and they never let anyone down by doing so. They are expected to lose most weeks, they turn up for each game and duly do their level best to not to win. Sometimes they have a bad week (well every team can have one) and they come up against a team that is having a bit of a nightmare and they embarrassingly walk away with all three points.
But so far this season BareAssAlona are being kept off the bottom of the league by a combination of unexpectedly good form and the introduction of two teams that look markedly worse than them. BareAssAlona have already won two of their seven games so far giving them a points total they only expect to have around Christmas and with the Dooms Day Divas and Torpedo Belgrano doing considerably worse things are looking like BareAssAlona have a real fight on their hands in order to come bottom of the table this year.
So it was hardly surprising to hear that BareAssAlona manager Kieron McLoughlin went into an apoplectic rage at his team when asked if he was ready for the challenge of their biggest derby game of the season against Steaua NeedaRest this weekend.
“Are you kidding me?” Kieron started, “Am I confident? Am I bollocks” I do my best to completely de motivate my lads each and every week and what do they do? They keep putting up a proper fight and winning games. Frankly I’m embarrassed to be associated with this club at the moment.”
When asked what the fans think of their start to the season McLoughlin claimed:
“Our fans don’t deserve this. They don’t support us because they want do see silverware or glory days, we’ll leave that to the big four-and-a-half (Dragons, Steaua, Untied, Girls and the Dwarves), thanks. BareAssAlona have a proud history of being piss poor under my management, I and I don’t intend to stand idly by and watch two complete novices come along and steal my thunder.”
Pressed on what he thought he could do about it he was unequivocal. ”
“I intend to start taking 8 – 12 point hits each week to minimise my chances of winning. Expect that to start this weekend against Steaua. I can clearly say that if we win this weekend it will be nothing to do with me at all. Torpedo and the Divas had better watch out – I’m the Daddy of coming bottom!”
The race for last place looks likely to be just as hotly contested as first this year
One thing you can always rely on when the BeerandBoobs season starts is for our favourite little Greek to forget himself once in a while and let something slip that he really ought not to.
Already this season Spiros has got himself into hot water by publically declaring his wife’s team, The Ass Kickers “a Bag of Shite” in a pre-season press conference (see earlier post here) a discrepancy which earned him the best part of a week in the dog house with said spouse, Angela.
This week he forgot himself yet again and served up a tasty little nugget of gossip while recalling Angela’s latest little vice to the lads at work. Apparently Angela like nothing more than wandering “bareback” down the frozen food aisle in Sainsbury’s.
Yes Angela has developed an unhealthy liking to doing the shopping “Knicker-less” and can’t get enough of the sudden icy breeze you get when you open the fridge door and reach for a bag of frozen peas.
“She’s in there three or four times every weekend” Spiros was heard to say. “it’s getting a bit worrying to be honest, She was sat on the couch watching Corrie the other night and the Iceland advert came on half way through. Before Stacy Soloman could say “Prawn Rings, only £1” she was de-briefed, in the car and half way down the street!!!”
In other news the season’s first bonus round was won by the Italian Job managed by one of the league’s more affable managers, Andrew Metcalf.
In a week where most teams struggle to find 30 points the Italian Job romped to a comparatively massive 53 and as the league’s highest point’s scorers this particular week Metcalf received a crisp £10 note.
As you know Andrew handicaps himself by refusing to sign anyone who plays for Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City or who is Jewish or heterosexual so his victory this week was just as surprising as the start his side have made to the season. The Italians narrowly missed out on topping the league for the first time in their long and, less than, illustrious history on points difference.
Andrew also has a reputation for having a rather depressed demeanour but when presented with his winnings Andrew’s usual woebegone look was replace by a very unusual smile as he lifted his winnings high above his head in mock celebration.
This lasted all of around three seconds as he saw our intrepid photographer quickly snap this momentous event. Andrew apparently hates having his mug snapped but our man got the hell out of there quick sharp and ensured the image was available for publication. After failing to find the image and get it deleted Andrew turned his attention to what to spend his winnings on.
“I’ve got half a dozen Prawn rings, four bags of vol au vents and a load of unwanted knickers for sale if you’re interested?” suggested Kev.
Last weeks polls caused much consternation amongst the Fantasy Fraternity with accusations of vote rigging and bias against certain teams. BareAssAlona were much aggreived to be nominated three times for most likely to get relegated while many were upset to see the eventual winner of the team most likely to win the league poll win by such a decisive margin.
Despite their triple nomination BareAssAlona surprisingly escaped being crowned the leagues weakest outfit with Wii Unfit being deemed the most likely relegation candidate by the end of May. with a huge 42% of the votes Unfit are obviously considered to be profitting a little from beginners luck at the moment and most managers it seems do not expect that to continue for too long.
At The other end of the scale Dyslexic Untied, as expected, took the honour of being the leagues favourite team to win this years title with an incredible 52% of all votes cast. A landslide? Not quite, but enough to vindicate the clubs inclusion in the big 5.
The subject of the big 5 also brought a rare appearance in the forum from Mr Gallagher, manager of Gally City, who, after a three year silence felt most aggrevied that his side were omitted from this elite band. Most of the managers involved in the league will remember Gally City taking the inaugural play off final three years ago but Gallagher must have missed the email that was subsequently sent out declaring that the first season was simply a pilot year to guauge the leagues feasibility and as such all victorys were declared null and void. Effectively then Gally City have won nowt nor have they contested a final since and therefore do not warrant inclusion in the big five.
And so to this week, after the international hiatus, BeerandBoobs is back in business this weekend with a full programme of games.
More importantly this weekend sees the introduction of the Leagues first ever Bonus round (brought in to solve the problem of the extra £40 of entrance money) – *which most of you have not paid by the way – Ed.
Therefore to re-itterate the team with the highest points total of this particular gameweek will win their entry fee of £10 back. (If they have paid, if not they will be exempt from paying)
Good Luck Everyone.
With a number of teams starting like a house on fire this season we wondered if the famed “big five” of Angry Dragons, Dyslexic Untied, Spiros and the ArgoDwarves, Steaua Needarest and the Kirali Girls might be challenged this year with a team from outside the usual group of teams which seem to perenially challenge for honours.
Will Phatasphuck FC manage to sustain their blistering pace? Are they just a flash in the pan? Have the Italian Job or BEGD FC finally got their act together? Will one of the noobs like the Mudhut Maniacs, Rusty Browns or United by Fear take the league by storm?
In addition to this we wondered whther you thought the usual suspects would also be at the bottom of the table come May. So seeing as we are now 6 weeks into the new season we wondered what your opinions were as to who the winners and losers of the league were going to be this year.
The first Poll asks who you think will take the ultimate Play Off prize and become BeerandBoobs Champions 2012. Will the final once again be contested by one of the big five like last year when Steaua Needarest took Dyslexic Untied by surprise?
Click on your “winner” below and let’s see who you think will win. In the interest of fairness we have included every one of the 24 teams so as not to exclude anyone.
Secondly a poll to ask you who you think will come flat last and suffer the fate of being relegated at the end of the year. Again in the interests of fairness I have only included the likeliest teams.